Black Friday is as ominous as it sounds. Sure, it has calmed down in recent years due to the adaptation of online shopping, but that hasn’t curbed all of the insanity. Are you planning to take a leap of the sane expresses and delve into the darkness of 2:00 a.m. shopping? Well, save me a seat, because I am too. Despite the inevitable bruises and lines that make me slightly homicidal, there are some great deals. So to combat this dangerous day, I have put together my fool-proof survival kit that gets me through the hazardous perils of Black Friday shopping. These are non-negotiable for survival.
1. For the love of all that is good, get a coffee. A large coffee. Don’t skimp and get decaf, because let’s be honest, what the heck is the point of a decaf coffee?
2. Make a plan. I’m talking straight up battle plans. What time will you hit up the Home Depot? Because those jokers give out free coffee, and last year I bought a $129 drill for my step-father for $35. That’s right, it was amazeballs and was clearly his favorite gift.
3. Build an army. You think you can tackle this on your own? Foolish. Grab family and friends, and put those suckers to work. You, cousin who I am not quite sure I am actually related to, you hit up Walmart for stocking stuffers for $.05. You, my absolute favorite, albeit only, sister of mine, you get target. Seriously. I need all that stuff. That store is the physical representation of everything I must own. Me? Yeah, Home Depot has coffee, dude. I’m not leaving.
4. Bring a snack. You think I’m joking? Have you not stood in a two hour long line at Target, fending off people trying to steal your cart despite the fact that there is a mountain of crap in it? Do you think they won’t notice that one is weak from hunger? You will be the gazelle, they the lions. Feed yo-self.
5. Squash the weakness of sympathy. That sweet old lady who is eyeing that last gaming console? She’s in disguise. Behind it is a Twent-two year old. Just kidding, give the lady the stupid gaming console, you heartless beast. We are still human, so don’t be a jerk, don’t trample people, and for goodness sake don’t end up on the news and be that town that sent someone to the hospital over a half-priced freaking TV.
So stay sane, stay human, stay frugal, and stay caffeinated, my friends. Don’t be that place. Don’t be that guy. Or you know, that girl. Did I mention stay caffeinated?
Of course, if you want to be the smartest shopper ever and the most loved gifter to grace your family in decades, you could just hop on over to Amazon and buy our books. They’re kind of amazing. Have a sappy do-gooder in your family? They would love Because I Love You. Have someone who you think needs to be committed? Well, they’ll get a kick out of Asleep. Have someone who daydreams more than high schoolers in math? The Carver has Peter freaking Pan, nuff said! Have a politician in the making? Show them how corrupt they will become by giving them The Surrendered. Or maybe, just maybe, you have a slightly demonic person in your family who is dark and creepy and loves reading dark, captivating science fiction books? Shadow Fall will more than satisfy their dark hunger! So check out our books that just happen to be on sale! What a coincidence eh?